Maybe you shouldn’t read this at all.

*Disclaimer: this post turned out kind of gross. I didn’t mean for it to be that way, it just happened. The muse overcame me, or something. Proceed with caution.*

Last night, I watched the Seinfeld episode where Jerry spits mutton into Elaine’s cousin’s cloth napkins. They were heirlooms or something.

Anyway, whatever, I don’t want to talk about Seinfeld.

What I started thinking, though, was does anyone use stuff like that anymore? I mean, people without servants?

Not just napkins. Hankies, etc.

While I’m all for being green and reusing whatever you can – grocery bags and the like – I believe there are some lines that don’t need to be crossed. One of the message boards I used to frequent would often delight in discussing the latest and weirdest eco-friendly reusables.

Let’s see, there were Moon Cups that collected menstrual blood. The collected fluids were used as fertilizer, I think, and other things. It was RUMORED that one photo depicted a lady using it as lipstick, but I refuse to believe that. I have to maintain SOME sort of innocence. Moving on.

On that same line of thought, there were reusable menstrual pads and such. Tampons, too. YES, TAMPONS FOR REAL.

I forget what it was technically called, but basically one discussion was about people who had potty cloths or something…like, they’d do their business and then clean up with a piece of material which would later be laundered and reused. I think in the meantime the dirty cloths were kept in a jar beside the john. Yum.

Then, of course, there were the always admirable cloth diapering folks. I suppose if you think about it, the cloth diapers are pretty much the same as the aforementioned potty cloths, but they’re just not the same. Babies smell like powder and milk and have sweet little booties. Adults have hair and oldness. Just gross.

This is not what I intended to write about at all.

At a funeral years ago, I was given a hankie. Not as a special gift or anything, just because I was snotting all over everything and I didn’t have a Kleenex.

Ever since then, I’ve loved the idea of a handkerchief. It just seems so feminine and quaint, like corsets and headbands.

I’ve even tried to carry a handkerchief regularly, but I always lose them. Always.

When it comes to things like hankies and napkins, I like the idea of reusing. Even passing them down, making them into something special.

As for menstrual pads and bathroom business and whatever else those placenta eaters do, I am a fan of throwing that shit away.

Do you use real napkins? Hankies? Moon Cups?