I had made the decision not to write about how terribly I handle certain things.
But I think I’ve gotten away from the point of why I started this blog in the first place…or why I used to spend hours on Xanga so many years ago.
So I’m going to tell you and hope that in doing so I don’t embarrass myself or my husband or anyone else.
It’s taken me a long time to finish this post.
Valentine’s day was, as I’ve said, fantastic. I spent time with the person I love the most in this world. We got a new car.
We also went out on Valentine’s night with every intention of getting tattoos. We didn’t get there in time, though, so we just made an appointment for later in the week.
The next day we started second guessing the design we’d chosen.
We designed and redesigned and googled and doodled and wondered.
By the time the day of the appointment came around, we’d changed our minds sixty times and still weren’t firmly set on a design.
Josh mentioned, after much bickery banter, that he just didn’t want to do it. It was partially done because he was frustrated and just wanted to shut me up, and partially because he was thinking like a sensible adult and knew we shouldn’t go into something like that with any uncertainty.
I know this now. I suppose I even knew it then, somewhere deep in the recesses of my brain. But I completely flipped right the fuck on out. Every insecurity I’ve ever had, every problem I’d dealt with, and every doubt I’ve ignored came rushing to the surface and I was in pieces.
He didn’t want to get a tattoo with me because he didn’t love me. Because it would embarrass him. Because he wasn’t sure. Because for some reason an inky scar carried more weight than a sworn vow and he didn’t want to have to explain something away in a few years.
Looking back now, I see how ridiculous I was being.
But it was real then, and not because I’d skipped medicine or gotten into the cough syrup.
One of the things we’ve talked about when I’m in therapy is that I just want my life to feel normal.
Normal for me – what is that? Being secure in my relationship, secure in myself, not caring so much about how other people perceive me?