You may think I don’t get embarrassed by much.
For the most part that’s totally true.
But at random, inopportune times, I get weirdly heady and self conscious and it’s vastly unpleasant.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor. Issues with my ear.
It was an impromptu stop in, and I knew I’d have to wait for a while, so I took one of my textbooks to read.
When I went in to a room and the nurse came in (after weighing me and here’s the first embarrassment – 150 pounds), she naturally saw my book.
“Going back to school?”
It was a simple question, friendly and pretty obvious – but it made me feel like a moron. Like the ash reeking, mall banged, tanning bed woman who used to sit next to me in English Comp I and Hermioned every question until one day she had to quit because her factory job got to be too much.
I don’t know why. I mean, I AM back in school. It’s not a secret.
But I felt stupid. Like I’d gotten caught stuffing my bra.
So that happened.
And then I came home and I started wondering why I get bothered by some of the stupid crap I do.
Like how I can feel great and glammy and then I get among people and feel like a donkey in drag.
I think I’ve said all this before. Now I’m embarrassed.
So, to avoid any further confusion, here are some things that embarrass me.
I drink Diet Coke out of the 2 liter bottle.
I suck at games.
I can eat a whole package of cookies.
Speaking of school, I’m taking all the subjects in this one semester that I never took in all my prior semesters because they were difficult. And now I pretty much know I’m not going to have this fab Dean’s List gpa. I totally won’t fail, but I’m not going to blow the doors off like I thought I should.
I have hairy toes.
I don’t really know how to put on makeup.
I worry I’m not interesting.
I fear my perception of people is sometimes off.
I know everyone has things that embarrass them. It’s my hope that if I put them out there like that, there won’t be anything left to worry about.
So if you see me out and I look like a glammed up chubby ten year old, just know that I already know that. And that’s ok with me.
I’m out. Time for Twizzlers.