Looking back. Reflection and stupidity

I was doing some reading earlier – reading of old entries and how things have changed and not.

I found this post, and it made me think about a lot of things.

It’s almost exactly a year later, and things are so much different that they’re kind of startlingly the same.

As far as God and purpose and meaning go, I’m still kind of lost. The hit our faith and confidence took during our time in Jackson was severe, and to be honest I’m not sure we’ll ever fully recover.

We were so sure we were doing the right thing.
We were so happy, and then we were miserable.

But now? Not in a million years did I ever think we’d be where we are now.

Well, not really physically “where we are,” because really all of us living together is pretty much an epic adventure and it’s become second nature to us all.

But where we are in the sense of goals and progress and general good will toward humanity.

I was sure when we left Jackson that we’d never fully be happy and fulfilled ever again.

Dramatic, sure, but cut me some slack I WAS GROWING A PERSON.

If I could do and say anything I wanted, I’d say things to those people we left.

I’d say to Ellie, thank you for hiring me. You were more of the face of good in our months in Jackson than anyone else we met. You meant more to me in those days than I can ever say.

I’d say to Michaele, you are me with red hair and better boobs. I miss you more than anything and I would never have made it without you.

I’d say to Jackson commuters – really? Suck it up and put down that bowl of Cheerios when you’re going 80 down the interstate. Eat a damn granola bar if you’re that hungry.

I’d say to Priest 1 – you were the biggest disappointment. When we met, you were awesome and inspiring. You were hip and down to earth and we both loved you immediately. The confidence we both felt in you – as a person, as a priest, as a friend – was completely cracked and really disheartening. You never seemed like a lap dog…until you were.

I’d say to Priest 2 – I reached out to you. I needed you. And when you ignored that? I have never felt that degree of worthlessness. I trusted too much in what I needed you to be.

And to Priest 3? I could fill a book. The level of hypocrisy and disillusion that I equate with you now is staggering. I don’t know what I believe comes after this life – I don’t know if I believe we just end, or if we go on…

But if we go on? If there are saints and angels and streets of gold? I don’t want to be there if you are. Whatever Paradise is supposed to be, you can’t be a part of it and it still be Paradise.

so there it is.

I suppose I’m still bitter (who am I kidding), but I’m also hopeful. I never thought I’d have that again.

I do. We do. And I think that’s the best revenge.

art shamelessly stolen from Natalie Dee

2 thoughts on “Looking back. Reflection and stupidity

  1. Now I understand why I feel like I clicked with your blog from the time I first read it. You seem like me – estranged from the religion you once knew, unsure what to believe anymore, unable to believe much of what you used to believe, unsure whether you will ever believe again – then again I may be being presumptuous as I have no idea what you must have been through to write your post above. I have become comfortable with my uncertainty – I hope you find some comfort in your own faith journey.

  2. I read back over your original post from a year ago and found this line… “how seldom the people who claim to be of God are actually even good people.”

    So true. Religion doesn’t make a person good or better. It makes a person pigeonholed and labeled. It gives people a reason to show off new clothes once (or even three times) each week. It gives people a better view into the lives of others so they can gossip and judge and turn their backs on people who need them.

    This is ALL I believe religion to be.

    I’m spiritual. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I believe in goodness, kindness, love and respect. I believe in having respect for every belief system. I believe that none is more right than another; they all are just what they are – interpretations.

    I could go on and on but I won’t. You get the point. :)

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