10 things my mom doesn’t want to know

Seriously, Mom. If you’re reading, just stop. Life will be easier.

(also, Mom, since you’re cheating and reading anyway, have I ever told you how great of a sport you are? I say all kinds of stuff about you. You really are a gem. I love you so much.)

1. I let my kids curse, and I let them do it a lot. Our agreement is that they can say whatever they want when they’re at home, but when they’re around actual people who have manners, they have to keep it to themselves. They aren’t great at the control yet, but I like to think it keeps them from turning into foul little shits around other people – since, you know, they’re free to be foul shits at home.

2. I have sex toys. A whole naughty drawer, in fact. As a matter of fact, I’ll just be honest – I think I would be excellent at working at a “novelty” (read: sex toy) shop. I’d make people feel better about their sneaky dirty deeds.

3. Along those same lines, I’ve considered (quite seriously) an, ahem, intimate piercing. I didn’t go through with it because I’m chicken, but I was totally set to do it at one point.

4. I had sex before marriage, completely rending in twain all my Baptist upbringing, and *gasp* I don’t regret it. I don’t even think it was a big deal. Try before you buy, you know?

5. As a matter of fact, I think I was more wracked with guilt over masturbation than I was premarital sex. For real, guys…I really was scared I was going to hell for that one.

6. I have (obviously) become much more comfortable with sexuality in my ancient age. Face it, we’re all somewhat preoccupied with getting/keeping/having sex a lot of the time, so why be all coy about it?

7. I kissed a girl, and I liked it.

8. I married a boob guy, and as a result I have seriously considered implants. It’s okay with me.

9. If I could always have my belly covered (because of stretch marks and weird wrinkles), I’d be totally okay with being naked all the time.

10. My vibrator’s name is….well, she doesn’t have one. I was totally prepared to make one up, but screw it. Honesty. I just know she’s a girl because she’s pink.

Well, there you have it.

24 thoughts on “10 things my mom doesn’t want to know

  1. I have to admit, I don’t think I would ever admit any of what you’ve written out loud to anyone, save maybe to the husband.

    I have to give you prop for guts. :)

    • My husband is probably shitting himself right now for ever supporting the blog idea, because I probably embarrass him. But I have found that the freer I am, the better I feel about it. People appreciate it when I say things they can’t say for themselves, I think.

  2. I find your honesty, background, and post topics intriguing. I found myself reading many of the posts since I first saw your blog last night at #CommentHour. I believe you have a unique voice, and I look forward to reading more.

  3. You are a braver woman than me, for sure.

    Regarding No. 6… I was told by my astrologer that I should make it a point to become more comfortable in this way but… I can’t even type it out so obviously I’m not very well on my way. Eeek.

  4. Visiting you back from your visit to my site. You said “I am loving your layout, let’s be buds.” So I totally took you seriously here, I don’t have many buds in the blogging world. However, if you didn’t mean it, ignore the last two sentences and we will just pretend that I totally thought I was cool enough to have a new friend and pretend like this whole thing isn’t totally awkward ;o). Love your layout and this blog sounds a LOT like me, you are just more brave in putting it out there, which I love.

  5. I love your honesty. It is refreshing. I bet some folks turned a big shade of red. Your mom readinf oh so funny. welcome i love your post and go for it on the piercing. I would never be brave enough. but i do sport some tattoos. Welcome to #commenthour

  6. I love your post so bold and refreshing.. The forbidden land ha Great story i love the no reading mom… the bravest thing i have is a a few tattoos. love them welcome #commenthour

  7. I have a pink vibrator too. Nobody knows that except my boyfriend and the dude that rang it up at the store. And now the Internet. Hooray!

  8. Great post. Number 10 is my favourite, purely because you just know your vibrator is a girl even though she doesn’t have a name! I think vibrators
    are always ‘shes’ and never ‘hes’ even though they are technically representing a man…!

  9. Hi – I only really started following your blog about a month or so ago. Found it via links from another blog. But this post definitely means I’ll be hanging around. I love people who tell it like it is. I hate the way we hide the truth about things – like the fact that parenting is hard, that life is challenging at times and that sex isn’t quite as straight forward as they make it seem in the movies! Thanks for being honest. I really enjoy writers who are :)

  10. I named my Hitachi Magic Wand “J.H.” Short for John Henry, the American folk hero notable for having raced against a steam powered hammer and won, only to die in victory with his hammer in his hand.

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