Lately, perhaps spurred by rewatching season one of Teen Mom (Gary and Amber could make anyone feel better about their relationship) and seeing all the online classes they withdrew from, I’ve been severely jonesing to further my education.
I never finished my degree. High school, yes. Further education…nah.
It embarrasses me that I don’t have a degree.
Everyone else was hitting the books, and I had babies.
I like my babies more than a BA, no doubt. But a part of me feels like kind of a loser. Less of a person.
I’ve been looking into degree programs and online classes. I filed my FAFSA today (even though actually applying to school takes money that I’m not sure we have) and it felt kind of surreal. Still does.
I don’t know what I want to pursue. I could focus on English and have a worthless degree that got stage time in Avenue Q, or I could do Psychology and have a degree that is useless without even more degrees. I could be sensible and do something like Business Administration or Paralegal.
Perhaps this is why I was no good at college – because I get overwhelmed by all the choices. I know it’s why I’m no good at any sort of design or styling…because I LIKE IT ALL.
I feel like I’m standing on the edge looking forward at a life I could have, but I’m really nervous to take it. I mean, I can’t fail at college a third time.
Oh yeah – I went back to school after Max was born. I didn’t last a semester. Probably because my dumb ass was majoring in Theatre.
Seriously, what the hell was I thinking?
I just really want to stop feeling subpar. At the risk of sounding cocky, I know I’m not dumb. I know I could do great things if I had the drive. And there, that? See? The drive? I sound like an ass. Since when is it okay to laze around and not pursue goals just because I don’t feel “driven?”
Not that I laze around. I didn’t mean it like that.
Hi, I’m Emily. Have I mentioned my kids? Lazing is not part of the drill.
I’m tired of being embarrassed of how little I’ve accomplished. Yeah I know, my kids are accomplishments and I’m not denying that – my kids are the greatest thing I’ve ever done. It’s just that I want to be proud of me and not just them.
Does that make sense?