I’m really not sure why I am so afraid of saying what I think sometimes. I know I have a tendency to spill my TMI all over the web, but in reality there’s so much rattling around this bean brain of mine. And I can’t say it.
I’m not sure why. I’ve always held tightly to the notion that you have to be who you are, and those who don’t like it can either kiss your ass or learn to love you. But as much as I believe that, it’s not doable.
It’d be the easiest way to live, no doubt. Saying what you mean, meaning what you say. Living without fear of getting caught in double talk or accidentally seen rolling your eyes.
To say to the insufferable brat, “Someday you’ll have your righteous rant only to realize what a dumbass you look like,” and then to go on like nothing because after all, being an insufferable brat doesn’t make me not love you. It just means you suck sometimes. We all do.
Wouldn’t that be great? Total, unencumbered honesty. Like The Invention of Lying, right?
That’s not how it works, and so I’ve become pretty adept sometimes at just going along.
Except I’m not, not really.
I ache inside to say things I should never say.
you’re crazy as hell.
how are you able to live two lives?
do you realize what a hypocrite you are? because everyone else does.
I know thoughts like this only breed negativity and sour your soul. It’s why it’s hard for me to admit I constantly harbor shit like this in my brain.
But I do. And now you know.
I don’t feel any better, because I feel like everyone else has some secret that I missed. Does everyone think all this and just ignore it? Because I can’t.
It’s why I think I’m so antisocial, because I suck at hiding my feelings. If I hate you (my mom never let me use the word hate. Never say hate, never say never), I just can’t pretend I like you. It’s a mental block and it’s probably why I never made it to broadway (that, and the chub. And getting married at 20).
I feel really alone (except for Josh, and that’s why we’re married. We are both completely inappropriate. I just hide it better than he does). If you harbor similar inappropriate thoughts, please tell me. Even if it’s anonymously.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to hide from my thoughts.