The game of…no, thank you, insert excuse

I hate board games.

When I was young I used to love playing games. My Mimi tells me all the time about how I used to make my Grandaddy play Memory with him over and over and over. And apparently I delighted in beating him every time.

My dad and I used to play chess. I was never good at it.

I have vague memories of my sister and Hungry Hungry Hippos and how that game always resulted in pelting marbles at each other. The marbles all eventually drowned in the sea of gold shag carpet.

I say all this to say that somewhere along the way I went from loving games to meh to oh my god I’d rather hold my eyelids open with razorblades.

My first husband loved board games. We would spend hours with his family playing cards and Sequence and Phase 10 and UNO. I always had a ball.

However, Dan hated to lose and it showed. I avoided playing against him. Still do.

Josh likes board games enough, but he has a smug arrogance that makes me want to punch him instead of rolling dice or placing little men in their castles. I mean, okay, I landed on your Monopoly property. Shut up, the money is fake and that many hotels wouldn’t even FIT on a real Boardwalk so suck it.

Max shares the Marsh love of board games. He will play any game ever for as long as he has an opponent, willing or not.

I am a terrible parent in that I will create any job to avoid playing games with him. Dishes. Laundry. Sweeping. Baby nap time.

(Side note: I think Max just beat Josh. I hear jubilation.)

Josh plays games with Max a lot, and…well, it’s miserable. Josh revels in exploiting Max’s trusting nature and poor judgement, while Max expects everyone to be as accommodating and nice as his dad (the only other adult who willingly submits to Monopoly regularly). So when they play, neither is a good sport and there are usually tears.

Ava figured out how to beat the game trap eons ago. She’ll play happily along until she loses a turn, sees losing in her future, or just plain gets bored. She just quits. She’s done it so often that I think the game police in our house have officially banned her from Monopoly.

I should probably play more games with my kids.

I will. I’ll do it.

But I’ll have to mute them first. I also have less than zero patience with them.

Why did I have kids? Much less three? I so do everything wrong. First peanut butter sandwiches every day for three months during school (that’s right, I just admitted that), now kiboshing the gameplay.

People should have to get certified in things like this before procreating.

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