It should’ve taken 50 more years…

I know what it’s like to be old.

I know what it’s like to search for a word and have it live on the tip of your tongue, to start a sentence and then forget the ending of it. To remember in crystal clear detail something that happened ten years ago but wonder about yesterday. To remember details through a fog and be reminded of second nature.

To use the backspace key more than the normal letters.

To depend on someone else for everything and to feel incapable of being your own….anything.

I bring up the same topics for conversation over and over and I find myself wondering how many times I’ve told whatever I’m telling to whoever I’m telling it to. I don’t trust my own memories or my own logic. I start a story in my mind and I think, “Hey, that’s good, I should write that d….where the hell did that shirt come from? That’s cute, I don’t remember that, I’ll wear it tomorrow.” Then I find, at the end of five or six days, that I’ve been wearing the same jeans all along.

I see a pale brunette in her own car with shiny hair, trendy glasses, and a smart peacoat and I want to grab her, scream in her face to GRAB IT, GRAB IT AND HANG ON, BECAUSE I WAS YOU LAST YEAR AND NOW IT’S ALL GONE. I want SOMEONE to have all that I don’t. All that I lost when I lost the ability to grasp exactly who I am.

Burdensome.

I’m sorry.

0 thoughts on “It should’ve taken 50 more years…

  1. I think you should remember that no matter how many experiences have shaped your life – there is always time to try and take a different road. Who knows whether it will perhaps lead you to a change for the better? Who knows whether trying something new in your life might not help you in defining yourself better.

    Apart from the note, two things. Thanks for the comment and… I hate hip hop but enjoy Eminem too. ^^ *highfives*

  2. Life is too too short for regrets…especially regrets over the things over which we had no control to begin with. We are all “God wannabees” at times in our lives when we cannot see the future clearly. We are also our own most critical critics.

    When I see you and the accomplishments already in your life, I do not see any of the traits you mention. I see creativity, passion for life, beauty, and desire for more. You have graced our lives with yours and we are so blessed.

    When I think of you I am thankful–thankful that we know you and have you as such an important part of our existence. You make life better.

    Those 50 years you mention are almost here for me. When you reach this side of the center, I believe you will look back on the small window of time that is “now” and be amazed at how well you made it. Perhaps only then will you be able to see the purpose in this struggle. Perhaps only then will you even be thankful to have walked this path.

    Oh to have learned at your age how dependent I really am on all the rest of you who are part of my life! I wish I had grasped in my twenties that I in and of myself am really not capable of being anything at all! We all need each other and we all must accept that our worthiness and purpose will only come to pass when we are truly dependent on Another. Look closely for the lesson in this time of your life. My guess is that you will need what you are learning now in the future…one day.

    Know that we love you–just as you are, with your same old blue jeans on any day you decide to wear them!

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